E: Do you ever feel like everything you’ve ever wanted was wrong? That you’re completely lost and have no idea where to go? Its as if you just woke up after decades, and forgot who you were. Nothing seems to really matter anymore and nothing makes any sense. You don’t feel bad but you don’t feel good. You wonder why you should even get out of bed and continue to put one foot in front of another. Do you have any idea what I’m trying to say?
Me: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a car driving down a very smooth road. Its a good, solid car, and its mine. Its familiar. I seem to know where I want to go and everything is alright. There is no traffic, and I’m not in a hurry. I don’t really have a destination in mind so I’m just driving. It doesn’t matter what time of day it is, or what season, or anything. My mind isn’t racing with other thoughts of what I want to do later, or tomorrow, or what I should have done the day, week, or year before. I’m just driving.
Other times its as if I’m in a large pickup truck. Not a new, state of the art model, but an older, slightly rusted and dented one, with old sugar packets and napkins on the floor. Its not my truck but I can drive it, so its not too bad at first. Little by little it gets worse. Traffic is crazy and the road is bumpy and I feel like I want the ride to be over. The engine starts making a funny noise and some smoke is coming from the engine. Just a little but it seems like a bad sign. I can feel the tension in my arms and body as I hold on and try to drive normally. The other drivers seem angry and in a hurry, as if it is somehow my fault. I’m getting more and more stressed out by the second and start to panic. Then the steering wheel seems to be coming loose and I really freak out. It will come right off in my hands if I don’t hold it in place with all my strength and I’ll be completely out of control. It takes everything I have just to stay focused and try to get through this, but I have no idea where I’m going and how long it will take to get there.
Then, there are times that I feel I’m on the perfect ride. Its a motorcycle. The day is warm and there is no noise at all. No one else seems to be around. The bike starts right up and purrs like a cat. A tiger. A large, strong, very confident tiger with no fear of anything. I am no longer a rider on a machine but simply riding. I can go anywhere I want at any speed without a care in the world.
I pull onto the highway and see its been completely redone. The road is perfect and there is only one line freshly painted down the middle. The road is mine. I smile. This is what my whole life has been about-getting to this point. I have the road, the bike, the world to myself and there is no way any of it could possibly be better. I just want to ride.
I find myself going very fast and look up to see I’m doing 100. Its as if I’m flying an inch or two off the ground and I want to go faster. 125-150-180…
How long will it last. How long will the ride be this flawless and complete? It doesn’t seem to matter at all.