My motorcycle-not my pussy.
You meet the nicest cats on a Suzuki.
My motorcycle-not my pussy.
You meet the nicest cats on a Suzuki.
Its that time of year again, and there are an overwhelming number of new dresses and styles to help confuse you. Besides the fact that many of these are really terrible outfits, most will cost you a small fortune.
You have to ask yourself; “Will my friends at the bar care if I wear something from J.C.Penny or buy an original Christian Dior?” And even if they do, unless they help you pay for it just ignore them.
Here is my suggestion to help you be a part of Fashion Week, make a statement, and possibly get a contract with one of the major designers. (OK, that’s a long shot)
Its Friday afternoon and you’re on your way home. You consider stopping at the gym but its been a long week, and happy hour seems like a much better idea.
Your favorite gin mill is having a transvestite fashion show, as well as serving fresh pickled eggs and beer nuts, so its an easy decision.
“I wish I could get up there and walk the runway,” you say to yourself while stuck in traffic, then sigh.
But you can! This is where creativity and quick thinking come in handy. You have that tacky old shirt and cut off shorts in your gym bag. Go into your trunk, lift up the secret compartment and grab your panties, black pantyhose, heels, wig and makeup.
Now here is the key to making this work: Casually walk inside in your suit and tie, say hello, excuse yourself and go to the ladies room. There are no women there at this hour and there’s more room to get dressed.
Put on your panties and hose, the shorts and the shirt. You’ll use your glasses, tie and bag to make an ordinary outfit extraordinary. Now its time for your wig and makeup.
TAKE YOUR TIME.
You want to let your friends get a few drinks in them, and wait for the transvestites to begin strutting their stuff. (This may take a while so be patient, tweeze your eyebrows or something)
You finally hear the music and applause. Its Dude Looks Like A Lady-your favorite song!
The lights will be dimmed and all eyes will be on the cute tranny models, so this is your chance to sneak out of the ladies room without being noticed.
This is important. Making an entrance is vital to your success here.
Casually get in line with the other girls and look confident. If necessary, trip the model in front of you and hit her with your gym bag right before she goes on. This is standard practice for this kind of thing so don’t feel guilty.
Now go girl! Show em what you got! Fuck Christian Dior, Fuck that young slut in the wedding gown lying on the floor, she probably would have tripped anyway. This is your 15 minutes of fame, and if you can avoid getting arrested you’ll remember this forever.
So never judge a book by it’s cover, or who you’re going to love by your lover. Love put me wise to her love in disguise, she had the body of a Venus-Lord imagine my surprise…
I have a feeling you’re already thinking about the summer. And I’ll bet you’re telling yourself that this year you’ll wear a bikini, right? Well, that’s easier said than done! First of all, you probably have no breasts. That and the fact that you may not be ready to shave your legs, chest, arms, and back all make this a bit tricky.
I have a suggestion. First of all, skip the bikini and go with a one piece suit. All women freak out about wearing a bikini at the beach, pool, or party. Even Kim Kardashian probably spends hours in front of the mirror before finally going out! I don’t really like bikini’s because I have 40 DD’s and I hate people talking to my chest.
My second suggestion is to consider staying home until you either get really brave, or buy oceanfront property and go out early. Even if you don’t have a pool, you can still enjoy the summer in a fantastic, comfy swimsuit, relaxing in the privacy of your own backyard. Make a pitcher of your favorite drink and kick back while the wife mows the lawn.
I know that for many people tan lines are something to be proud of, but you can always sit in the shade if you frequently walk around with your shirt off at the office.
These are all from Nordstrom’s and are just examples. JCPenny has fantastic stuff and you can order online then pick up at the store. No one will give you a second look.
The first one is a Carmen Marc Valvo ‘Metal Mesh’ plunging halter one piece. You know you’d look great in this!
Cute huh? Want to get a little fancier-then how about this Marc Jacobs Strapless One Piece. Yes, its strapless-go with it!
Something more traditional sweetheart? How about a Rod Beattie ‘Sweetheart’ one piece. I may have to get this one for myself.
OK, I can see you really want something special. Tuck yourself in and try a Juicy Couture Beach ‘Candy Bar’ Bandeau one piece. Believe me you can make it work!
I know what you’re thinking. “Can’t I just wear something colorful with a tummy flattening lining?” Was that it? If so, this ones for you! Its a Gottex ‘Reflection’ one piece.
Sexy isn’t it? So now all you have to do is shave, wax, moisturize, stay on that diet, and enjoy life. Does that sound like a lot of work? Well that’s what women go through every day so get used to it (actually you can slack on the diet a bit if your in your backyard). Have a great summer!
I know some of the examples I chose were way too expensive for most people, including me. So I wanted to show you some great buys for under $100. All of these are from Nordstrom and can also be ordered online and picked up at the store. If you’re really a coward you can have them shipped to your house, apartment, or closet.
This is a Maggy London, Print Matte Jersey Shift Dress. It has 3/4 length sleeves, very cool colors, and its $98.
This next one is a Donna Morgan, Printed Shift Dress. Also $98. This is very cute with a floral print and there is even a video to help you find your size. Some of these dresses do come in small sizes, so if you can’t find something in your size move on.
Now this one I think you’ll really like. Its a Girly 50’s style, Floral Printed Dress. It has ruffled trim along the neck, and sweet puffed sleeves. This one is $88.
Still over budget? How about this adorable Velvet Torch, Ruffled Lace Dress! Its a sheath dress with feminine ruffles and lace, and its only $44.
Now, the thing about most of these is that they have to be dry cleaned. That and the fact that they are made for Kate Moss type models so your size might not be available.
I just want you to know that for $25-$100 there are plenty of dresses out there that are comfortable, will fit you, and can be washed in the machine with your fishing and hunting gear if necessary. Be prepared to smell like tuna, turkey, or deer meat (heaven forbid!) if you are too lazy to separate.
Other great places to try are Walmart, JC Penny, Sears, Target, and Burlington Coat Factory if there’s one near you. The first few places you can order online, and Burlington doesn’t seem to care much about your personal life as long as you spend money. I’m told they are very cross dresser friendly, but don’t expect a complete show. If they help you find your size, and don’t scream like someone from a horror movie that should be enough.
I’m just kidding, they very rarely scream like that!
A quintessential accessory to your latex wardrobe, these fierce but feminine gloves are seamless and imported from London. Dress any outfit up with a touch of these classy gloves. As comfortable as they are durable, these gloves will uphold their design and integrity even in the most heavy-duty situations.
Accessories are always needed, especially when power washing trucks, working with cement, fishing on the dock of the bay, roleplay with your mistress, bottom painting your boat, building a fence on your farm, kick boxing, happy hour, or just standing on the corner at midnight.
A sundress is an informal dress of any shape in a lightweight fabric, most commonly cotton, intended for summer wear. The dress is intended to be worn without a layering top, and the design must therefore cut a balance between modesty and allowing sun exposure. Lilly Pulitzer popularized the sundress in the 1960s.
The sundress provides a feminine look that may be lighter and more comfortable than a skirt and blouse, or another sort of dress. Modern styles can feature very low necklines and short hemlines, but more modest lengths and a variety of patterns are also widely available.
The newest ones include apron looks, embroidered bias cut slips, and full-skirted numbers in pastel cotton twill and more. Cotton is very modest in women’s sun dresses because it allows your body to breathe, yet it is still a very sexy, (but can be a less revealing) look. In the city, women even wear women’s sun dresses to work. So, we know that men prefer women’s sun dresses for their attractive appeal, and designers as well as women also know the practical side of women’s sun dresses.
This is a pleat detail, strappy sun dress from ASOS. Its only $8.62! Of course its out of stock, but its a great example.
You want to wear this without panties at all times. Its cool and guys seem to like that. This baby is mainly used for power washing trucks, and cement work, but feel free to wear it anywhere!
The babydoll dress has gained and lost popularity throughout the years. The shape can either be figure flattering or not very flattering at all, depending on the cut of the dress and the your body shape.
A babydoll dress is a dress where the waistline is positioned higher than where the natural waist is. The typical placement for the waistlines on these dresses ranges from the mid-ribcage region to just below the bust line. The skirt of the dress then falls from there, draping away from the body.
Babydoll dresses also typically involve lace or ruffles, due to their childlike nature. The name of the dress comes from the fact that most toy dolls wear a similar style outfit. This style is also particularly popular in children’s and infant’s clothing. Babydoll dresses also tend to have shorter hemlines than many other types of dresses. Babydoll styles are prevalent in sleepwear and lingerie but have evolved to become daytime wear.
Sound good? This is a Babydoll halter Bra Top dress from Victoria’s Secret. See how happy she is? That’s because this dress is only $78. It has a scoop neck, an empire waist, and it comes in 4 colors.
The Babydoll is the perfect dress to wear at the beach (soon sweetheart, soon), duck hunting, fishing on the dock of the bay, and for roleplay with your mistress. Easy access to your bottom saves time when you’ve been a bad girl.
A shift dress features straight lines and doesn’t hug the body’s curves or cinch the waist. Although shift dresses can come in various sleeve lengths and hemlines, the classic shift dress is sleeveless, knee-length, and features a high collar or boat neck.
While the shift dress has shown up in fashion periodically throughout the decades, its silhouette is most iconic of the 1960s “mod” look, when it was worn by such public figures as Audrey Hepburn, Mia Farrow, and Twiggy. Some people say that shift dresses flatter any body type, while others argue that their angular cut best suits a thin frame. As shift dresses are characterized by a non-tapered waist, they leaves little room for the hips when fashioned from polyester or other fabrics without elasticity.
The versatility of the shift dress stems from the fact that it is fairly plain, yet sophisticated, and can be layered over or under different garments. In the 1960s, shift dresses were updated with psychedelic flowers and big, bold prints.
In the 1980s, the shift dress style was combined with Jersey material and worn over a shirt, creating a “jumper.” Shift dresses made a comeback in the mid-1990s when business wear became popular, and at this time were most often layered over a turtleneck or t-shirt and worn with knee socks. During the mid-2000s, vintage 1960s fashions returned to the mainstream and shift dresses were once again worn in their original form without a shirt underneath. The shift dress is still associated with timeless style and sophistication, and was worn by First Lady Michelle Obama in the family’s first official portrait in the White House.
This beauty (the dress) is a Michael Kors Stretch Crepe Bouclé Shift Dress, only $1495.00 at Nordstrom. I know, the dresses I’m showing you cost more than you’d like to spend. Would I buy this for that price? NO.
Okay, Yes. But there’s really no reason at all to spend that kind of hard earned money on a dress.
This dress is ideal for bottom painting your boat, building a fence on your farm, and dancing. Yes Dancing! Wear it with no panties and you just might meet a generous friend who’ll take you shopping.
Elegant, feminine and practical, the sheath dress is defined by a figure-hugging silhouette with a well-defined waist, that usually is cut mid-calf or shorter. Sheath dresses may be designed with or without sleeves, and are typically most flattering on toned, hour-glass figures.
Some fashion experts suggest that the sheath should only be worn by women with perfect figures, but actually the reverse is true. A figure-fitting dress tends to be a great choice for women with a little more curve, since it accentuates the female lines, promoting a very feminine look. Whether you are a size 2 or a size 22, sheath dresses may just be the most flattering look, provided they fit properly.
The highlight of this simple dress style is its well-defined waist; further cinching the waist of a sheath dress with a thick belt accentuates the style’s feminine appeal. And the sheath dress’ strong silhouette makes a brilliant base for layering cute cardigan sweaters and slim-fitting blazers.
For a softer substitute to a structured blazer, and as an exercise in smart layering, go ahead and wear a longer cashmere cardigan sweater over your sheath dress (with the buttons between your breastbone and belly button fastened) and cinch it all with a wide belt.
Now, for all you boys and girls that are sitting around watching TV and drinking a case of beer, don’t be afraid. This is a great incentive to go on a diet.
This is a Ruched Stretch Tulle Sheath Dress, perfect for climbing trees, kick boxing, happy hour, or just standing on the corner at midnight. Once again I chose an example that was sexy and very, very expensive. There are great bargains at your local mall.
A cocktail dress usually means a short dress. Everyone interprets the meaning of this differently.
Cocktail dresses are usually a shorter length and worn when one has been invited to a cocktail party. Cocktail dresses are suitable for wearing to events such as a semi-formal, prom, or other formal occasion. They come in a variety of shapes, sizes and lengths, and one of the most popular choices is the well-known “little black dress.”
Today, cocktail dresses come in an tremendous array of materials, with silk, satin, and chiffon these being the most popular choice. The shoes that you select can be a big help, especially if you are wearing a shorter length. The shoes then become an important focal point.
When choosing the color of your cocktail dress, keep in mind that during the summer season, floral prints, light pink, sky blue, pale green and yellow, as well as other pastels look best. For a winter get together, gray, crimson, black, dark brown and dark blue cocktail dresses might be better.
And the number one tip for choosing a cocktail dress? Don’t try to fit into a dress that is cut too low or is too tight. This can be big trouble. Especially if you’re in the dressing room and haven’t paid for it yet.
I’m choosing dresses that give you an idea of the style, and look sexy. You can easily find a great deal at most stores for under a hundred dollars.
This is a perfect example of a gorgeous cocktail dress. Except for the fact that you’ll have to sell your car or refinance the house. Its a steal at a little over $2000. (Fortunately Nordstrom is out of them at this time)
Its a Herve Leger Sequin Overlay Cocktail Dress. Just right for parties, proms, bowling, juggling on the street corner, and equally classy occasions.
Popular in the 1950s, the shirt dress is just like its name sake. Made of a button-down front and sleeves and shirt collar, these kinds of dresses resemble a tailored shirt. A modest and more causal style of dress, it falls right at or slightly below the knee, with either a full or straight skirt below the waist.
Shirt dresses have a lot going for them. They can easily go from one season to the next with a simple change of footwear and possibly the addition of a sweater, and they can be worn casually or glammed up. And, the right shirt dress can be very flattering.
There are a few things that you should watch for. First and most important, your shirt dress should not gap in the front, nor should it show your bra when you move around. If it does, it’s either the wrong size or a bad cut for you. Some styles will let you get away with a cami underneath for modesty, but ideally, you want one that fits your chest. Additionally, make sure the sleeves fit your arms properly (not too tight) and that the skirt flows out around your hips. If anything is tight, jump up a size.
Don’t forget to accessorize. Simple jewelry adds the perfect touch to a shirt dress. Polished pieces add just the right amount of interest without appearing overdone. Bangles or cuffs and long necklaces are the ultimate shirt dress accessories, especially for denim shirt dresses. Chandelier earrings can also add a nice touch.
This is an extremely expensive example. Its a Roberto Cavalli Floral Print Satin Shirt dress. There are plenty of others to choose from in hundreds of different colors and styles for about a thousand dollars less!
A good choice for casual Fridays at the office, an interview with your new Dominatrix, or a Tupperware party.
I was in Borders the other day before the snowstorm, and saw a book by that title. It looked really interesting but I bought something else and had to run (Riding in the Zone if you must know).
I thought it would be fun to give you the rundown on the most popular dresses, and an example.
Lets start with the gown style of dress:
This kind of dress is typically fitted or tighter at the bodice and flows outward. Meant for wear at formal occasions, the gown may be simple in design or include lavish embellishments such as sequins, embroidery, feathers or other detailing. It may be worn as a wedding dress or for other dressy occasions, such as a black-tie party, ball, gala, prom or other formal gathering.
Gowns can come in different lengths, such as tea-length, which sits right at or below the knee or floor-length, which trails along the ground. They may also come in different waist or skirt styles. For instance, the empire waist sits right below the bust, then hangs straight down in the skirt, or flares slightly to the ground. Gowns vary in their neckline styles as well, flattering the face of the wearer. There is the sweetheart neckline, which resembles the top portion of a heart, and then there are squared necklines which frames the face in a simple, straight line. Some necklines are low-cut and daring, while others are sweet and demure like with the Peter Pan collar. Because of the amount of work involved in making a gown, these may be an investment as they tend to cost more than most dresses, due to the fabrics involved and the necessity of a fitting tailoring for the wearer.
And this is a Fitted Sequin Halter Gown, just the kind of thing you want to wear when shoveling snow, grocery shopping, or changing the oil in your car.